if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
