she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Did I show you my penis last night?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
