I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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