i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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