Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
