jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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