when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
