no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
