I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
