Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
