I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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