apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
