so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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