youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
