I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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