Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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