whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
