yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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