After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
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