so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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