ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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