I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
