Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
