Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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