Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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