This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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