There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I can't turn off my feet"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
