hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
