I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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