She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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