Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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