If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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