Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
sarcasm needs its own font
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
