she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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