Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
