I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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