non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
