i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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