Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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