it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
