making cat noises will not fix the situation.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
