i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
