It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
