I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
