im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
