I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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