Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
