These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
