I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
