a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
