dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
