I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
