She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
