well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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