my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
