honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
