i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
is it fun? or sober?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
