even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
