Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Randomize
