After last night, I could never be a politician.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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