I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
