Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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