You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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