I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
