Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My vagina just recognized that song.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
