White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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