First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We need to get me chipped asap
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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